Do you ever just get sick and tired of being sick and tired? Yeah me too! and lately I've been really F*&King sick of it. OH...yeah...language warning :) sorry

I think I've fallen off my wagon and my donkey is in a ditch. I'm mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted...I'm tired...and I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I'm sick and tired of people treating me in ways I would never treat them. And I'm sick and tired of them thinking it's okay. 

I'm sick and tired of hurting all the time and having little energy yet I have a mind that's wide awake and wants to do things.

I'm sick and tired of having to "accommodate" my pain into my life...of having to plan and prepare for it.

I'm sick and tired of having to do things in my life differently because of my pain.

I'm sick and tired of having to wake up each morning and mentally prepare myself for yet another day of pain. 

I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired and I'm tired of feeling pain...and I've damn well had enough of it. 

**language and attitude warning** read with caution

The other day I was reading an article on-line about the medicinal properties for cannabis in treating various illnesses...I found it quite informative actually. At the end of the article were comments from other readers and one of them went something like this...

"no, no, no, I say that because it's only helping to mask the symptoms of your pain...it is not the solution...you need to find the solution"

After reading the comment...my first response was to say..."you nit wit" and I shook my head...(actually I swore but I won't repeat that part here). To say to someone who lives with a chronic illness such as pain to not use a viable treatment option to manage their pain but to find the solution to their pain...is like telling someone who is diabetic not to take their insulin but to find the solution to their diabetes. It's just a special kind of DUMB!

Back in February I had an "episode" with my heart that landed me in an ambulance and in the emergency room. It has taken almost four months to see a cardiologist and my appointment was Tuesday. You may have noticed the website was quiet that day and now you'll know why.

I will try to keep my language clean but please be warned of a possible language warning okay?

So Tuesday came and I was anxious. Because of my heart...a trip to Las Vegas with my Mom and sister was cancelled and another surgery was put on hold until we knew the results of my heart. I was even taken off my one medication for sleep and pain and my pain specialist had even stopped my infusions until we knew it was safe for my heart. Caution overload!

At my appointment, I met with a resident first and he explained the options for treatment focusing on the procedure and risks for correcting what's wrong with my heart. My anxiety level went up even more (just a wee little bit). 

Last night while watching the news on our local station I heard something that really got my goat. Seriously! I actually had to get up and walk away when I heard it too...and yes I had a few choice words for the TV and the newscaster...yeah I wasn't happy.

NEWS FLASH - doctors are close to developing and engineering a pill that we can take that will "trick" our body into believing it has already eaten...thus helping us to lose weight by not eating.

Am I the only one concerned by this? It truly made me stop and admittedly I was pissed! 

Now you may be wondering why this would bother me so much and really? I have a few reasons. The first one being that here we go again...there is a pill to solve our problems. Instead of teaching someone how to eat...what to eat...how to prepare healthy meals...just generally improve their overall quality of life...it's here...take a pill instead.

So this is the first RANT of the new year...and it's about the one thing we do to set ourselves up for failure every new year. You know you've done it...I've done it too...you've tried to make big promising abrupt life changes to start the new year off right and you end up faltering and failing soon into the new year. It's happened hasn't it?

Now let me ask you...do you know why you weren't successful with these changes? If you're like most people who start a "new years resolution" soon into the new year...you go back to your old ways. Am I right? Has it happened in your life too? Don't beat yourself up okay? It happens and we set ourselves up for it almost every time...and that is where this rant comes from...the personal set up. 

Setting ourselves for failure is easy as you may have already experienced, and when we do this we are the first ones to beat ourselves up for it too. Do you beat you up for "failing" or for not being able to stick with your new year's resolutions? Do you promise yourself you'll try better the next time?

Why did you struggle to keep a new year's resolution? Do you know why or do you just blame yourself for not being strong enough? If you're beating yourself up...stop! Because I'm here to tell you that if you didn't plan for your resolution or life-style change...you were likely to fail anyway. It's not your fault...you just need to plan better next time.

Okay...so I'll give you that it's a little dramatic to say "you won't cough...but you might die". Modern medicine has come a long way through the generations and many illnesses and diseases have been wiped out because of the advances in modern medicine. People are living longer "healthier" lives than generations past.

That being said however...modern medicines have caused many problems as well...and yes even death.

Have you ever really listened to a television commercial touting the benefits of one medication or another? I mean really listened? Now did your glasses allow you to see the fine print warnings that come with the medicine as the commercial was ending? Did you hear the announcers voice list off the warnings? His/her calm voice quickly warning you of all the dangers and often life threatening side-effects of the medicine, while you watched people laughing, running, picking up and swinging their grandchildren, people riding their bikes, flying kites, being intimate with their partner. Did you hear it?

What about the ads in the magazines? Did you read those too? The words they want you to see are bold, loud and clearly printed...their message "this will help you"..."your life will better if you take this"...easily perceived by the smiling model. But the words they don't want you to see? Well...anyone got a magnifying glass handy? 

This RANT involves some family members so please keep that in mind when you read this. It's about a conversation that occurred this past weekend and it's been bothering me. I'd like to air it here and see what you think. **there might be a wee bit of a language warning too**

I have a family member who lives with severe depression. It impacts every aspect of his life and those he shares it with. This family member has attempted suicide on many occasions and it has ripped apart his family in many ways as a result. Family gatherings are impacted because of his behaviour at times and it can be awkward to put it mildly. Loud arguments and fighting are the norm here, crying and pleading too.

During a family dinner it was said that this family member is "crazy". As someone who has experienced depression too, I took offense to this. The negative characterization of a depressed person as someone being "crazy" irked me greatly. I think it's this type of labeling and attitude that causes people with depression to suffer silently.

**remember that warning on the about page? about the emotional language and such? ok good! keep it mind ok?**

As you know I'm single and lately I've gone out on a couple of dates meeting new people trying to break out of my isolation and widening my circle of friends. Recently during a dinner date I was asked what I did for a living. I will preface this by saying that in the past, this question is what made me avoid social gatherings with strangers. I was embarrassed that I no longer have a conventional job and I dreaded the question!

So..back to the dinner date...during conversation...my companion asked me what I did for a living. Normally, I would just say that I don't work anymore due to my injury and pain and that I'm "retired". This time however, I chose to acknowledge this website, what I do here daily as well as on the FB page. I spoke of how I'd written a book for people living a pained life just like me, sharing strategies. I shared that my goal was to help others learn to live with their pain too.

His response?..."Is that all? What do you do for money?"

Sorry I may blunt with this one but I'll try to lighten my words.

My daughter told me about a woman yesterday who also lives with chronic pain and has been trying to find ways to help herself manage her pain. One choice this lady ...let's call her Julie... chose to try were injections. Now this is something I've also chosen to try and do currently use as well, and I go to a pain clinic to receive them. There are also clinics within some hospitals here as well, where you can get injections and other treatments like infusions.

Well, see one day Julie went to the hospital to receive her injections and what has pissed me off so much with this is that the doctor at the hospital gave her a drug called Ketamine. Ketamine is common horse tranquilizer if you are unaware of what it is. Now some people are finding this to be of benefit and it may be.....BUT....when using a drug of this strength and type in humans, the effects need to be closely monitored....humans and horses are not the same! 

Upon receiving her injection, Julie was released from the room and was allowed to leave the hospital and take herself home. What bothers me is that Julie couldn't even walk. Couldn't see straight and had double blurred vision. Julie is a small and tiny woman and was given enough medication to lay out a horse!! and was then left to leave walking holding onto the walls for balance.

WTH?!?! WHY?? why do the doctors dope people up so badly they can't even walk nor see straight? How is this allowing or providing someone to have a functioning life? Where does the doctor's responsibility end when it comes to providing safe administration of medication, care and monitoring of patient well being after providing treatment?

The biggest questions I have is when will we as humans stop putting ourselves through hell in the hopes of being pain free? When will we stop being guinea pigs for big pharma to test drugs on? When will we stop killing ourselves slowly? 

Has this ever happened to you? It's happened to me and there are medicines I can no longer take because of the damage it has caused to my body.

My anti-depressants and other medications worsened my symptoms and suicidal thoughts became a part of my every day. What was supposed to "help" me live with my pain almost killed me.

Pills for illness and then pills for the illnesses the pills caused. Does this make sense to you? Am I the only one questioning why this is considered acceptable and "legal"?

Why are natural cures ignored and considered too much trouble, yet pills that destroy our bodies are handed out like candy?

Picture taken from Natural Cures Not Medicine