Did you remember that humour warning? okay good :) 

Lately I've been feeling off, out of sorts, not very comfortable, and I've been struggling with my own thoughts and emotions. When I read this, it gave me something to think about, and it helped me to make sense of some things too. 

I think this feeling isn't just for the grief of a loved one past. I think this feeling can come when we experience a set back in our journey, when we receive a new diagnosis, and even when we're confronted with our "old" lives. 

And it can hit you out of the blue, and it can knock you back a bit. It can put you on your butt and it can make you question whether you're strong enough, and whether you even want to keep on going. And it hits HARD. 

Last week I got the results of my xrays and learned that I'm now dealing with osteoarthritis of my spine (in two places) and bone spurring (in multiple places). Hearing that, it sent back to the day I was hurt, to the day this all started for  me...and all I felt was the  grief.

The feelings of helplessness were fresh, and the anger, bargaining and the fear were there too. It was like the first time all over again. I wondered if I had the strength to do it. How would I learn to live with this too on top of everything else. I doubted I could do it. I was scared. And I felt like I lost myself all over again. My emotions crashed. Hard. 

Starting the grief process over again is something I think we face on an almost daily basis. How else do we get up every morning facing a life with pain? 

The line...."Sometimes, something acts as a trigger and catches you by surprise" is so very true for this. And the journey starts anew. Grief is an ongoing process and we will bounce between the stages as we go through life until we finally reach the acceptance of what is. Time...when dealing with the feelings grief can bring...is a very fickle thing indeed. (take all the time you need okay?)

I have to keep reminding myself that although I cannot change what has happened, I can change how I respond to it, and how I let it impact my thoughts, my life, ME. I am not my illness but I am what I do about it. I have to remind myself that I am strong enough (even on the days when I really don't feel like it). I have to remind myself that even my hurting life...is still a life worth living. I have to. I have to do what I need for me to help see me through this...and I have to do it without hurting myself. 

When the aftershocks hit you...how do you handle it? what words do you say to yourself? what thoughts do think about? how do you support and care for yourself as you bounce through this? I hope you'll give it some thought.

I've done the crying, I've done the bargaining and I've gotten angry about it too...but now? it's time for the healing. It's time for me to focus on my needs, it's time for me to do what I can to soothe, nurture and care for myself...mind, body and soul. That's where my control is and you know what? that's where yours is too. 

The grief is real, so don't deny it, but keep working through it okay? You are strong enough to pick yourself back up again. And when you don't you think you have it in you? reach out to a close friend and let them hug you. Let them give you the courage and support you need. Turn to those who know you best and can help you see the good again. You are more than your pain/illness. It takes time. 

Please take good care of you and each other

​Tammy 

meme found on-line - original source unknown

Happy Hump Day to you! 

During the drive to the hospital, my friend told me what happened. His final words to his Mom was that he wasn't feeling well. He went to his room and she found him there some time later. They weren't sure if it was intentional or accidental. He was a troubled a young man. And now he's gone. 

There have been many times when I've responded "I'm not feeling well" because I know there is no way I can share what I'm really feeling some days. I can't explain it. I don't want to talk about it (even if may need to). I just feel it. Because you see? I'm not scared of suicide. I'm scared of what would happen if I failed. 

Well, I found out what would happen and it was another hard hit.

Turning the corner into his cubical at the Intensive Critical Care Unit (ICCU), I was not prepared for what we would find. Seeing him attached to all the machines, so many wires and tubes coming to and from him, was hard to see. As a Mom myself, I shed a few tears and said many prayers for his Mom...and for him. 

We approached his bed very slowly and I think my friend was in shock. Her face went pale and she looked scared. I know I was. Could we touch him? Would he hear us if we talked to him? What do you say to someone who has tried this? So many questions went through my mind. One thought that kept coming back up was that this should never have happened. He was so young, so vibrant, yes he was struggling and life was hard, but he had other options and now another young life was in peril. 

Did he tell his Mom how he felt? I don't know. I don't know if he had someone to talk to like a counselor, or a trusted friend. I don't know if this was his first attempt or if it was an accident. What was he trying to do? Most likely numb and stop the pain he felt. But this should never have happened. 

Many people won't talk about their suicidal thoughts for fear of reprisal and rejection. Instead they stew in it until the act of suicide seems like their only option for reprieve. Is our society capable of handling these thoughts? I don't think so. Sadly we live in a time where understanding of something that can't be seen (like problems of the mind) are simply shunned and shuffled away...put off as "not my problem". Well, it is our problem. Too many people are losing their lives and that's not okay! it's unacceptable. 

While we stayed with Warren, we touched his hands (he was so cold), gently stroking them. We chose to believe that he could he hear us. My friend told him she loved him and she shared a few funny memories. I swear his hand got warmer where I was touching him. Hearing the machines beep off his every breath, every beat of his heart, made for a surreal moment. And in that time, I realized that seeing this young man just saved my life. 

To commit suicide, some believe it's a selfish action. I disagree. In that moment the only thing that comes to mind is the desire to make the pain stop. Thinking our family and friends would be better off without us as burdens. That even the world would be better of without us. I'm not saying these thoughts are rational but they're the truth. 

I'm sharing this with you for a reason. If you have thoughts like this too...you're not alone. And I'm sharing this because I hope that if you know what this feels like, that you'll reach out and talk to someone. There are other options and this is NOT our best one. Yes life is hard, and some days it's hell, but I think it would be even worse without you in it. When your thoughts have you thinking of this, find that one thing that means the world to you and hold on for it. Let it be your anchor. 

For me? the thing that keeps me here, is my daughter. I don't want her growing up without me. I want to see her get old, To have babies. To get married and make a life of her own, and I can't see that if I'm not here. When these thoughts crash through my life, I give thought to what keeps me here and I keep thinking of that until I can think myself out of my negative thoughts. And yes, you may need to remind yourself of this multiple times in a day, for days on end...but do it! Call a crisis line, go to the hospital, call a trusted friend...just DO NOT give up your life. 

My friend said he passed the next day. 

In memory of Warren I write this, with thanks for teaching me a lesson and for saving my life.

If something is important enough, even if the odds are against you, you should still do it.

~~Unknown~~







picture found on-line and I can't remember where...sorry

I lose more guardian angels that way.








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Calming Technique

Everyone knows that breathing is an essential part of life, but did you know that breathing plays and essential role in anxiety? This information sheet will briefly discuss the role of breathing in anxiety and guide you through a simple calming technique that uses breathing patterns to help you relax.

Breathing is a powerful determinant of physical state. When our breathing rate becomes elevated, a number of physiological changes begin to occur. Perhaps you've noticed this yourself when you've had a fright; you may suddenly gasp, feel a little breathless and a little light-headed, as well as feeling some tingling sensations around your body. Believe it or not, the way we breathe is a major factor in producing these and other sensations that are noticeable when we are anxious. ​

Anxious breathing

You might already know that we breath in oxygen - which is used by the body - and we breathe out carbon dioxide. In order for the body to run efficiently, there needs to be a balance between oxygen and carbon dioxide, and this balance is maintained through how fast and how deeply we breathe. Of course, the body needs different amounts of oxygen depending on our level of activity. When we exercise, there is an increase in both oxygen and carbon dioxide; in relaxation there is a decrease in both oxygen and carbon dioxide. In both cases the balance is maintained. 

When we are anxious though, this balance is disrupted. Essentially, we take in more oxygen that the body needs - in other words we overbreathe, or hyperventilate. When this imbalance is detected, the body responds with a number of chemical changes that produce symptoms such as dizziness, light-headedness, confusion, breathlessness, blurred vision, increase in heart rate to pump more blood around, numbness and tingling in the extremities, cold clammy hands and muscle stiffness. 

The normal rate of breathing is 10-12 breaths per minute - what's your breathing rate? 

The Calming Technique

While overbreathing and hyperventilation are not specifically dangerous (it's even used in medical testing!), continued overbreathing can leave you feeling exhausted or "on edge" so that you're more likely to respond to stressful situations with intense anxiety and panic. 

Gaining control over your breathing involves both slowing your rate of breathing and changing your breathing style. Use the calming technique following these steps and you'll be on your way to developing a better breathing habit. 

1. Ensure that you are sitting in a comfortable chair or laying on a bed
2. Take a breath in for 4 seconds (through the nose if possible)
3. Hold the breath for 2 seconds
4. Release the breath taking 6 seconds (through the nose if possible), then pause slightly before breathing in again.
5. Practice, practice, practice

Breathing Tips

• When you first begin changing your breathing, it may be difficult for you to slow your breathing down to this rate. You may wish to try using a 3-in, 1 hold, 4 out breathing rate to start off with.
• When you are doing your breathing exercises, make sure that you are using a stomach breathing style rather than a chest breathing style. You can check this by placing one hand on your stomach and one hand on your chest. The hand on your stomach should rise when you breath in. 
• Try to practice at least once or twice a day at a time when you can relax, relatively free from distraction. This will help to develop a more relaxed breathing habit. The key to progress really is practice, so try to set aside some time each day. 

By using the calming technique, you can slow your breathing down and reduce your general level of anxiety. With enough practice, it can even help to reduce your anxiety when you are in an anxious situation. 

copied from the handout sheet "Calming Technique" prepared by the Centre for Clinical Interventions Psychotherapy Research and Training

When you distance yourself from negativity, beautiful things can happen. 

~~Unknown~~







Picture shared by a friend of the Facebook page