When I was first injured and for many years after, I heard...there is nothing wrong with you...you are not broken. Although I knew I wasn't broken, I knew I wasn't "right" either. I knew something had changed and my body was different. Trying to get someone to understand that though was very difficult. It took many years before the answers came in and when they did? I cracked! Even though I wanted to know...I really didn't.
It took almost 5 years before the answers came in. I had seen many doctors, I had had many tests, I had tried more medications than my mind can remember (it makes my stomach drop at the thought in remembrance of what I went through)...it was a helluva time for me. But I kept after the answers...I knew there was something just not right anymore.
The first report documenting my back left me shaking. Reading what my prognosis was...left me crying. My job was gone, my career with it too. As much as I wanted to know...as much as I pushed for these tests...I didn't want to hear the answers anymore. I thought I was prepared but I wasn't and I'll admit I lost a piece of me that day.
And then something snapped in me and I got angry. Angrier than I have ever been and I was angry with myself. Angry for all time I wasted being angry...angry for all things in my life I had given up on and the people too! When I get angry...I get active (sometimes that's good and sometimes it's not so good). But this time? it was a good thing.
Do you ever got so fed up with something that you just have to do something about it? Well that was me and I was fed with myself...with my own attitude...with my own actions...I WAS FED UP! and I was pissed off. Things had to change and it started with me and my own attitude.
It was a long hard road but I can't help but smile as I write this because seven years after the snap...I'm actually able to say that I am proud of where I am now and all the things I am too...even my pain. It's been a healing journey of self-acceptance, self-awareness, self-growth and even some self love and healing too. I made some changes and I grew because of it. My pain didn't change but my relationship with it did.
I'm sharing this with you for a few reasons...
When the answers come in...it's okay to get angry...it's okay to be scared...and it's okay to want your old life back...but...while you're angry...while you're wanting something you can't have...while you're scared to try...the life you have right now is happening all around you. Can you accept something you can't change? Can you learn to love yourself enough to accept who and what you are right now without wanting what was? Can you allow yourself to let the anger go? You can't change what happened but you can change what you do about it now moving forward. Get angry about it but not at yourself! It's okay to be scared but don't stop living!
If you're feeling sick and tired of being sick and tired...do something about it!
take good care of you please