My world has been very chaotic lately and it's taking a toll on me. Not only is my sleep broke and pain high...but I'm finding I'm crying too easily some days. My stress levels are up and that's not good for my heart. I find my energies are low and I'm struggling to keep myself going some days.
It's easier to hide and to hope it will all go away...but it won't. I can bury my head in the sand but I know too that as much as that may feel good right now...my problems will still be here when I take my head out. So that means I have to deal with some stuff.
I've noticed too that some of my old thought patterns have come back wanting to take me for another spin and I have to be consciously aware of what I'm saying to myself all the time. I'm refereeing my own brain...YIKES! but somebody has to do it...and yes I've even put myself in a time-out!...in the tub with some bubbles ;)...but I went.
This week I was supposed to be in Las Vegas...I was to have left on the 22nd and returning today. After Christmas, my Mom had bought the trip for my sister and I to go with her on a holiday for my sister's 40th birthday. Due to my heart condition, the trip was cancelled and now my Mom won't get all of her money back. This is weighing heavily on me too.
Although I know my health is more important, I'm bummed to say the least. I feel guilty and upset with myself. I know it's not my fault but I still have these feelings that I'm fighting with. I can pack myself on a guilt trip unlike any other and I pack a lot of unnecessary baggage some trips.
My thoughts are affecting my feelings and my feelings are affecting my thoughts lately and both are impacting my pain. I've recently learned last week that my back is deteriorating further and there isn't much that can be done for it. I have lots of thoughts about this too and they're affecting me also.
Even with all that is going on that is above the usual for me, I'm proud to say that I haven't lost me completely. I may be struggling...but I know I'm strong. I may feel weak...but I know I can. I may feel lost and scared...but I know too that I am loved, needed and wanted. I've had to spend more time with my coping skills lately but I will come through this.
Thank you for your patience and understanding.