The following was left for me in response to the "Let's talk about sex" entry and although I wasn't asked for a response I feel compelled to give one...I hope you will bare with me.
"As long as I can remember sex has hurt. I have been married for 25 years and I would say that the last 13 or so years have been no sex. I can't get comfortable and I feel bad since my husband wants to "just cuddle" but then he keeps going and then I get tense which makes the pain worse. I feel like a failure as a wife."
My thoughts on this comment are rapid and I'll try to make some sense of them...
Let me first say right off the bat....YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE AS A WIFE!! NOPE! you're not! many women go through a stage where sex becomes painful...there are many reasons why and there are also as many options to help.
Why do you get tense? if you can understand why and communicate that with your husband...could you both come up with ways to help you relax before, during and after sex?...keeping ourselves relaxed before and during sex isn't always easy...we're concerned about our bodies, our performance abilities, pleasing our partners...our pain...among other things. We live too much in our heads sometimes. Explore what makes you uncomfortable and discuss it openly with your partner.
"As long as I can remember sex has hurt. I have been married for 25 years and I would say that the last 13 or so years have been no sex. I can't get comfortable and I feel bad since my husband wants to "just cuddle" but then he keeps going and then I get tense which makes the pain worse. I feel like a failure as a wife."
My thoughts on this comment are rapid and I'll try to make some sense of them...
Let me first say right off the bat....YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE AS A WIFE!! NOPE! you're not! many women go through a stage where sex becomes painful...there are many reasons why and there are also as many options to help.
Why do you get tense? if you can understand why and communicate that with your husband...could you both come up with ways to help you relax before, during and after sex?...keeping ourselves relaxed before and during sex isn't always easy...we're concerned about our bodies, our performance abilities, pleasing our partners...our pain...among other things. We live too much in our heads sometimes. Explore what makes you uncomfortable and discuss it openly with your partner.
Do you remember the very first time you were intimate? Like most, you were probably nervous then too right? What if you were to ask your husband to consider your intimate relations as though you were a virgin all over again. The patience, the care, the gentleness and the understanding is what you need right now. Explain to him that you want to be intimate but you need his patience and not to feel pushed when cuddling becomes "more".
What do you say to yourself when he's trying to be intimate with you? Often we can create barriers in our lives with just our thoughts...we can shut down things that are pleasurable for us because we can't get out of our heads. Be mindful of the words you use when thinking about sex and your sexual activities. Our thoughts are powerful and when we say we can't...well...we won't! But if we believe we can...well...we will find a way.
Have you contacted your doctor? Is there a medical reason why sex has become painful? What can you do to treat this if there is a medical reason? Explore them!
Have you and your husband attempted extended foreplay? Massages and massage oils are a nice gentle way to relax one another before intercourse. Some couples go right in to the act of sex but like many women...sex start in our heads. Sex is as much mental as it is physical. If our thoughts aren't relaxed... neither will we be.
Use positional aides like pillows to prop and support your body making you comfortable. Sexual toys are also an option of things to try. Explore the different ways your body can feel good. There are also lubrication's available that help replace our natural body fluids as we get older and experience "drying" which makes intercourse painful for some women
Explore your body when you're alone too...the touches that make you feel good...and the ones that don't. When you know what makes you feel good and how you like to be touched, you can communicate that with your partner. Take your hubby by the hand and show him how to touch you.
Have you ever sat your hubby down and talked to him? Have you told him how you feel when he pushes the "cuddling" to more? If so...what words did you use? Did you say things like "I want to be intimate with you but I'm scared. When my comfort level gets pushed too quickly it makes it hard for me to be intimate with you. I need you to understand that when I say go slow...it means go slow." How do talk to your husband? What words do you use?
It's best too to not bring up this topic as you're in the throws of it. Wait until you are both relaxed and have the time to talk...to explore your feeling and options too. Do not place blame and do not accept blame. Now is not the time for blame but to explore options to help bring you both closer together. I do believe he wants to help...he just needs to know how.
I've said more here than I had planned on saying and I hope this ramble gives you something to think about. Thank you for leaving your comment and I hope too that I didn't cross any boundaries by responding. I do wish you and your husband a happy sex life and I hope you both take the time to gently explore each other again...finding ways to make this easier for you.
take good care of you
Tammy
What do you say to yourself when he's trying to be intimate with you? Often we can create barriers in our lives with just our thoughts...we can shut down things that are pleasurable for us because we can't get out of our heads. Be mindful of the words you use when thinking about sex and your sexual activities. Our thoughts are powerful and when we say we can't...well...we won't! But if we believe we can...well...we will find a way.
Have you contacted your doctor? Is there a medical reason why sex has become painful? What can you do to treat this if there is a medical reason? Explore them!
Have you and your husband attempted extended foreplay? Massages and massage oils are a nice gentle way to relax one another before intercourse. Some couples go right in to the act of sex but like many women...sex start in our heads. Sex is as much mental as it is physical. If our thoughts aren't relaxed... neither will we be.
Use positional aides like pillows to prop and support your body making you comfortable. Sexual toys are also an option of things to try. Explore the different ways your body can feel good. There are also lubrication's available that help replace our natural body fluids as we get older and experience "drying" which makes intercourse painful for some women
Explore your body when you're alone too...the touches that make you feel good...and the ones that don't. When you know what makes you feel good and how you like to be touched, you can communicate that with your partner. Take your hubby by the hand and show him how to touch you.
Have you ever sat your hubby down and talked to him? Have you told him how you feel when he pushes the "cuddling" to more? If so...what words did you use? Did you say things like "I want to be intimate with you but I'm scared. When my comfort level gets pushed too quickly it makes it hard for me to be intimate with you. I need you to understand that when I say go slow...it means go slow." How do talk to your husband? What words do you use?
It's best too to not bring up this topic as you're in the throws of it. Wait until you are both relaxed and have the time to talk...to explore your feeling and options too. Do not place blame and do not accept blame. Now is not the time for blame but to explore options to help bring you both closer together. I do believe he wants to help...he just needs to know how.
I've said more here than I had planned on saying and I hope this ramble gives you something to think about. Thank you for leaving your comment and I hope too that I didn't cross any boundaries by responding. I do wish you and your husband a happy sex life and I hope you both take the time to gently explore each other again...finding ways to make this easier for you.
take good care of you
Tammy
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